The 7 Stages of Brunch

#brunchfriends

1. Excitement

We get up, maybe a little early, with the greatest idea a Sunday morning has ever known:we will go to brunch. To that place, the one with the awesome pancakes, or the really good coffee, or the crazy creations that always straddle perfectly the border between savory and sweet. Yes, that's the place. We'll get there just in time to swoop into a nice table, maybe even a booth. Some of us are showered, some of us are putting that off until later in the day. Some of us have put ourselves together quite stylishly, some still a little shabby, some look downright rough, but none of that matters; we are breakfast-chic. As we're out the door, the mind--and the stomach--reel: What will we eat? What will the specials be? Is this a boozy brunch? Pulling the car around the corner, or walking down the block, we can almost picture it in all its glory.

2. Disappointment

Just like that, our dreams are dashed. We didn't anticipate the popularity of this idea, and we certainly did not anticipate having to wait with, like, 40 people that we don't know. If I'd have known I'd have to stand on the sidewalk, baking in the hot sun for an hour I definitely would have showered.

3. Resolve

We're not giving up, though, because we have a vision. Those weaker than us will audibly scoff at the line before moving on to the nearest Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts. They might even laugh at us as we stand in our resolve, but the jokes on them because we've been paying attention, and the line seems to be moving faster than usual. Just, like, five minutes ago we were way back there by the parking lot. Now we're all the way up here by the window. I can see people eating waffles.

4. Boredom

We've gone through all the apps on our phone. We've talked about everything we were planning on talking about at the table. Now it's time to just stand in silence, ignoring how hungry we are, convincing ourselves that this was, in fact, the right decision.

4. Despair

Everyone around us is an idiot. Everyone who gets sat before us is an asshole. OMG WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG.

5. Elation

They called our name! This is it! It's really happening! The table is...smaller than we pictured...but that's fine, we're best friends, BRUNCH FRIENDS, in fact, which is closer than family.

6. Brunch

This is the shortest part of the whole process. Did you enjoy it? Because it's over.

7. Glory

We are full with pride and syrup. We are fat with victory. We rise from our table. We emerge into the sunlight which washes over us and cleans our smiling faces. And, as we make our way down the sidewalk, probably destined for a nap or the john, we do our best to gloat at all these losers, waiting like sad sacks in their line of infinite sadness, clinging desperately to their delusions of grandeur.

don't worry, we saved you some bacon